While I was pregnant, we learned a lot of embryology. It was neat to see my babies at different stages and know what was developing. At each ultrasound I would focus on the organ that was the subject of the particular block we were on. It was also very scary. We saw MANY pictures of what can go wrong. We saw pictures of fused legs, hands, too many many digits and too few. I remember vividly being at my 14 week appointment, and having one of the girls roll over and show all five of her perfectly separated fingers, ahhh, apoptosis at it's finest. It meant so much to me - I knew that this little hand was not an easy task, and not a given either. A lot of my classmates would mention to me that they thought about me when faced with a test question about something developing, or some pregnant woman.
Being pregnant and becoming a mom colors your perception, you see things a little differently and feel a little differently about things. That little baby with some abnormality tugs at your heart strings just a little stronger as you can imagine being in that position.
Today we had cytogenetics and saw many birth defects and it just broke my heart. I don't know if I can still blame the hormones, but I was fighting back tears. Instead of thinking about the genetics behind it, I was thinking about the child, his/her parents. About having being pregnant, having a baby and raising that child. I remembered the scary part about being pregnant - seeing all the abnormal makes it feel normal, and you constantly wonder about what could be going wrong. Now, I look at my little baby geniuses, second guessing - does that look like my baby? New studies of Down Syndrome shows that one of the signs is not smiling between 2-6 months as an infant. Every day that went by - I thought, please smile for me. And they did - and I was elated.
But beyond my girls, I just envisioned having your baby, your little dream, and discovering the abnormality, especially a fatal one. I could not imagine those actual feelings.
I guess this is where I need to learn how to compartmentalize. My feelings do nothing for those little babies, it doesn't change anything. Thus, I should be inspired to study more and be a better doctor, to help make change. Hopefully one day...
2 comments:
Oh wow! I totally get what you're saying about how becoming a parents changes your perspective on so many levels. I would say that it's not your hormones that made you tear up, but the ability to empathize. That was something that struck me after having Seth; I would watch a birth or the death of a baby on tv and I could barely hold back tears from flowing down my cheeks. You can actually put yourself in that person shoes...and it becomes so real and emotional.
You're going to become a great doctor, and you're a wonderful mommy!! :) I'm very proud of my twin mommy friend!
I think it is also the knowledge of what a miracle it is to have a healthy baby (or babies in our cases.)
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